Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Only short people can save us
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”