This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I want what they have
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!