My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.