my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Tough love is true love
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
S/o to @funTweeters .
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?