[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
You Might Also Like
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”