“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
You Might Also Like
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.