PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
ouch
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.