Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Oh deer
Wikigenius
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
liiiiiiiiike
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.