Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
You Might Also Like
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My typo game is string.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I have no passwords left in me
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee