Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
when you order from DoorDastardly
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.