(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Just so funny
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.