Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
You Might Also Like
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
*seductively eats two tums*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.