I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.