I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun