A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Lmao
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.