Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
You Might Also Like
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Girl, same.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.