kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Oh my god
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car