ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
You Might Also Like
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.