Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.