Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Based Erika
A Short Story.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.