Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.