[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.