America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Somewhere in an alternate universe
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.