If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.