Kevins first time outside 馃槶 he was absolutely bewildered
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
drew a comic about my origin story
I鈥檓 trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If I ever become a ghost, I鈥檓 gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn鈥檛 work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.