Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
me: my friends:
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here