Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
same energy
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself