One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real