I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.