[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…