It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.