*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”