How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
our love story in four pictures
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.