I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Matt Goss
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.