detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.