Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*