[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
You Might Also Like
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.