don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
yes yes a thousand times yes!
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt