Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
i smell a pulitzer
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.