When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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i will not be silenced
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
But is it really??
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house