[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Stop sending me this shit.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?