My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.