Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.