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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol