For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.