Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I wanna be friends with this person
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport