{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
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Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.