[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?