“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
You Might Also Like
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Noah was an idiot.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.