DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
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*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
english majors be like furthermore
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating